Playing the Tape All the Way to the End

            My child hasn’t had a nap in almost a week.  In the mornings, he’s been waking up around five to cry out and shuffle around.  He goes back to sleep, but I don’t.  When daylight comes, both me and my boy are a sleep-deprived.  It shows.  My normally easygoing kid is suddenly crying every time I drop him off at preschool.  I'm now seeing the type of tantrums that give The Terrible Twos its name.  I love spending time with my child, but sometimes by "nap time" -- the time of day that used to be my two-hour break -- I'm gritting my teeth.  And this has been going on for a couple of weeks now.  I've launched into Mama Problem Solving Mode, but haven't seen a lot of results from my efforts yet.  I'm pretty sure this is the half-year developmental bump that so many child rearing books talk about.  Mostly, we have to wait it out.

            I’ve barely done anything for my Persistent Elephant get-healthy project lately.  With B working so much overtime, my consulting work project/trip looming, and E going through this strange phase of poor sleep and sudden bouts of unreasonable behavior, I feel like I’m just treading water.  After today's unpleasant preschool drop-off, I went home and tried to sleep but couldn’t.  I felt dull, lifeless, and just plain tired.  Yet something in my brain snapped.  “Enough is enough,” I muttered.  I trudged downstairs and made myself a healthy green smoothie.  I got myself out the door for three miles of speed walking.  Before long, I was finishing up the breakfast dishes and cleaning the fish tank.  I’m starting to feel a little better.

            One thing I’ve learned from reading my old journals is that during periods of great stress and poor rest, I’ve often let healthy endeavors slide.  By the time the stress eases up, I’ve gained weight and feel like a slug.  This time, being a mom is actually helping.  E’s developmental bump is the major stressor, but my responsibility to him is part of the solution and reminds me of an equal responsibility to myself.  As a mom, I have to think in the long term.  If I just wanted to keep E from crying, I’d stop taking him to preschool.  End of problem.  Yet I know he really loves school once he warms up and there are all sorts of reasons we enrolled him – socialization for an only-child, easing him up in the number of kids around him so he’ll be ready for kindergarten, giving him greater access to a Waldorf lifestyle, and exposing him to new adventures/ideas.  I’m not about to give up our long-term goals for a short-term respite, especially when it would teach E to run from his problems and feelings.  Deep down, I know E loves school and it is the right choice for him.

           Getting healthy is quite similar.  If I have one sleepless night and then cocoon the next day with comfort food, no exercise, and lots of television, it’s really not a big deal.  As long as my sleep gets back on track, I don’t really notice much difference in how I feel the next day.  The thing I have to remember, though, is that both the problem and the solution are cumulative.  Too much unhealthy food and being a couch potato leads to feeling rotten in a few days or weeks.  Similarly, I feel comparatively good today because I’ve eaten well and got exercise, but it hasn’t turned my whole mood around…yet.  If I keep at it, though, I know my sleep improves, my energy level rises, my mood lightens, and my brain works better.

            A while back I read The End of Overeating by David A. Kessler and loved it.  One of the ideas that stuck with me was “playing the tape all the way until the end.”  The idea is that we all talk to ourselves, and we tend to use shortcuts rather than new ideas.  When a familiar problem arises, we hear the same old story from our own brain and respond the same way.  Kessler learned from therapists helping addicts with their addictions that it really helps to reexamine the messages we send to ourselves and think about them from start to finish.  For example, I often tell myself, “I’m really tired tonight.  I just want to relax and I deserve a little treat.”  If I play the tape all the way to the end, look at the thought all the way to its conclusion, however, I have to add “…but I’ll still feel tired if I do that.  In fact, that will just add to a downward spiral.  On the other hand, if I eat something healthy and then take a walk or read/watch something inspiring, I’ll actually feel less tired.”

What helps you break your bad cycles?  Have you learned to play any tapes to the end?